One-Off Event File — Jujutsu Kaizen Edition
- Filed by Jerry “The Ankle Biter” Silverhand
- Pawprint Approval: 🐾 Mrs. Catford (Director of Petty Operations) | 🐾 Mr. Catford (Deputy of Petty Operations)
- Operation Codename: Smugfinity War
- Status: One-and-Done / No survivors
UBSSD?
- Not a USB stick. Not tech.
- It’s shorthand for the five-piece disaster package:
- Useless. Broke. Smelly. Stingy. Dead.
- If you see one in the wild — unplug your life from them immediately.
Summary: Joint deployment of Satoru Gojo and Kazuma Satou for maximum equal-opportunity trolling. Mission executed in urban-neutral territory. All five primary target classes neutralized in under 12 hours.
Phase 1 – Fangirl Frag
Gojo melts Miwa’s brain with the “slow-sunglasses lift” maneuver. Kazuma follows without missing a beat:
Kazuma: “He’s not into you.”
Gojo: “Don’t ruin the magic.”
Kazuma: “Magic? Buddy, this is more like a scam with free samples.”
Miwa’s soul temporarily leaves her body.
Cutaway: Like that time Darkness asked Kazuma on a date and he sighed, “I’d rather not. Too much liability.” Smash cut to Darkness fainting with a blissful grin while Aqua yells, “Why are you like this?!”
- Future Note: Sometimes all it takes is one cool move and one blunt truth to implode expectations. Don’t waste extra ammo when the combo works.
Phase 2 – The Serious Sabotage
Utahime mid-briefing, voice firm, papers in hand. Gojo raises a finger like he’s about to add something profound.
Gojo: “Quick question—does this meeting come with snacks?”
Utahime: “No—”
Kazuma: “Then this meeting could’ve been a sandwich.”
Silence. One cough. Utahime’s left eye twitches.
Cutaway: Like when Megumi was explaining a cursed technique and Gojo yawned so loud Megumin yelled, “Finally, someone understands my pain!” and blew up a training dummy out of spite.
Future Note: If the room is too serious, a well-timed derailment shifts the power dynamic instantly. Just make sure you can walk out faster than they can recover.
Phase 3 – Student Suffering
Megumin: “Explosion!”
Yuji: “Should I dodge—?”
Boom. Yuji is now flat on his back rethinking life.
Gojo: “See? Learning.”
Kazuma: “Yeah, we learned you’re terrible at dodging.”
Neither gains XP. Both gain trauma.
Cutaway: Like when Aqua insisted she could exorcise a ghost, only to get stuck halfway in the ceiling while the ghost muttered, “I paid for a full cleanse, not half a job.”
Future Note: Sometimes people need to blow their shot early to learn pacing. Let them — you’ll learn more from the misfire than stopping it.
Phase 4 – Enemy Erosion
Jogo: “I’ll show you true—”
Gojo: “Wow, your forehead vein’s got more cursed energy than your whole body.”
Kazuma: “I’ve beaten slimes scarier than you.”
Jogo turns, mutters something about “not worth it,” and leaves.
Cutaway: Like when Aqua called Vanir “budget cosplay Satan” and he shut down his shop for a week just to rebrand.
Future Note: Emotional knockouts are cleaner than physical ones. If you can make someone want to leave, you’ve already won — and saved energy.
Phase 5 – Authority Annihilation
Gakuganji: “As the elder—”
Gojo: “Oh, I thought this was a panel for outdated cosplayers.”
Guildmaster: “Watch your tongue.”
Kazuma: “Sorry, we don’t take quests from NPCs without decent loot drops.”
Mrs. Catford is seen slow-clapping in the background.
Cutaway: Like when Yuuji left a meeting with Gakuganji muttering, “I learned nothing… but I think he cried.”
Future Note: Never underestimate the value of undermining bad authority in public. You reclaim control and make everyone else question their leadership.
Final Verdict:
Mission success. UBSSD population in region reduced to statistical zero.
Casualties: dignity, morale, and any pretense of mutual respect.
Operation retired to maintain balance in the chaos ecosystem.
File Status:
📁 Locked – One-off educational jokes.
Unrepeatable for safety of use.
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