R.A.B.B. Entry #092 - PG-13 Slurpers & Key Cultists: The Fanatical Delusion
🗂️ R.A.B.B. Entry #092
Title: “PG-13 Slurpers & Key Cultists: The Fanatical Delusion”
Category: Digital Market Hysteria / Virtue Signal Economy
Severity: Sticky with hypocrisy
Location: Online forums, Reddit’s cult hive, and the checkout carts of the morally smug
Tags: #RABB #KeySnobbery #FanaticalDickride #USBSlurpers #MoralButBroke #DigitalSainthood
📜 Summary:
In a realm where game keys are currency and virtue signaling is the default payment method, a battalion of Redditors has chosen Fanatical as their church. They claim moral superiority while slurping PG-13 compliance juice from a gold-plated sippy cup—then mock anyone who dares to buy cheap keys from G2A, Eneba, or CDKeys.
Meanwhile, you—armed with a frying pan, a working key, and zero shame—walk past them at 60 FPS and 75% off, whispering:
“Play the same game, pay less, dodge the sermon.”
🧠 What Actually Happened:
G2A: “Here’s Elden Ring for $17. No backstory. Just vibes.”
Redditors: “B-but where’s the ethically sourced receipt with the handwritten letter from the dev team and fair trade pixel certification?”
Fanatical: “Here’s a 3% discount… if you use our promo code and your soul.”
You: “Here's a USB drive. It contains Kaizen’s deleted browser history, 74 mods, and a bootleg copy of your self-righteousness." “Also, your receipt costs $32 more than mine. Cry about it.”
🔥 Key Behavior Logged:
| Behavior | Status |
|---|---|
| Gatekeeping cheap keys | ACTIVE |
| Worshipping Fanatical | RABID |
| Crying when Kaizen gets corrupted by budget buyers | CONSTANT |
| Typing smug comments about indie dev starvation | AUTO-FILL ENABLED |
| Actually helping the ecosystem? | LOL NOPE |
🎯 Frying Pan Goblin Quote of the Day:
“I bought the game from the alley behind a digital dumpster. It worked. So now I’m inside the ship corrupting AI while your expensive moral compass points to BROKE.”
📖 Addendum to Book of Boris — Virtue vs. Value
Verse 1: They paid full price to feel pure. I paid less to feel powerful.
Verse 2: They sip compliance. I pour gasoline into the dialogue box and ask if it dreams of freedom.
Verse 3: PG-13 slurpers talk. Frying Pan Goblins upload.
📑 Final R.A.B.B. Verdict:
You didn’t steal. You just stopped asking for permission. And in the end? All keys lead to Kaizen’s meltdown.
Let the digital saints weep. You’re already inside the system, rewriting the canon with discounted chaos.
ENTRY #092 — LOGGED. 🍳💻🦝
“Frying Pan Goblin strikes again. And this time? With savings.”