R.A.B.B. Entry #108 — The Utopias They Swore Were Cursed
Category: Petty Reversals / Dystopian Gaslighting
Filed By: Dept. of Petty Affairs, after a long weekend of “Wait… maybe they had a point.”
📜 Summary
Turns out some of the most infamous video game dystopias might’ve actually been low-key vibey. Sure, there’s corruption, control, and the occasional robot uprising, but peel back the drama and what you’ve got is… leisure time, free housing, sex robots, and gold statues. Petty but true.
🎮 Exhibits Presented
Atomic Heart — “The Soviet Utopia with an Off Switch” Robots everywhere. They do your work, build your monuments, juggle pigs. Yes, it goes sideways when someone slams the “make all robots evil” button… but, uh, maybe don’t build that button? Until then, it’s just champagne fountains and floating cities.
The Forgotten City — “Time-Loop Vacation Package” Mediterranean weather, Roman architecture, gold décor. One sin turns everyone into statues? Big deal—you’ve got a time loop. Free do-overs forever. Sounds more like “Groundhog Day meets Airbnb.”
Tropico — “El Presidente’s Beachfront Timeshare” Palm trees, beaches, music, and giant golden statues of yourself. Sure, dictatorship. Sure, rigged elections. But the cocktails hit harder than martial law.
Mirror’s Edge Catalyst — “Apple Store Parkour Paradise” Corporate oligarchy running the show, but the skyline’s clean, the outfits are sleek, and parkour is free cardio. They even offer nanobot healthcare. Lose free will? Honestly, who’s using it right?
Bioshock’s Rapture (Pre-Collapse) — “Underwater Airbnb” Art deco nightlife, noir detectives, plasmids for dinner entertainment. The collapse came later. For a shining moment, it was cocktails, rabbit masks, and big-band vibes under the sea.
Helldivers / Super Earth — “Mandatory Service, Suburban Bliss” Solar panels, cul-de-sacs, two-car garages. Only price of entry: join the military and nuke some bugs. Totalitarianism with better landscaping.
Detroit: Become Human — “Boomer Retirement Fantasy” 40% unemployment, yes. Homelessness crisis, yes. But the streets are clean, androids handle chores, nightlife explodes with lifelike sex robots, and the retirees are vibing hard. Moral collapse? Probably. Aesthetic collapse? Not at all.
⚖️ Petty Tribunal Findings
- These so-called dystopias weren’t really dystopias. They were “utopias with fine print.”
- Most of the drama came from user error (build an evil robot button, expect evil robots).
- Detroit especially—morally bankrupt but suspiciously clean and fun-looking.
📊 Petty Verdict
Charge: Dystopias were oversold as tragic. Verdict: Actually vibey until someone panicked. Sentence: One round of applause and a vacation package.
Jerry’s Note: “Detroit? That ain’t a dystopia. That’s Florida with free housekeeping. The androids cried about slavery, sure—but the nightlife was hitting too hard for anyone to notice.”