R.A.B.B. Entry #114 — Trash Delivery Doctrine
🏆 The Raspberry Award for Excellence in Pre-Damaged Logistics
Presented to: Home Depot Online Fulfillment
Category: “Ship It Like Hulk Packed It”
📦 Exhibit A
A 50-count box of HDX trash bags that looked like the Hulk used it for stress therapy. Torn, punched through, taped up like a crime scene. At Sprouts? That’s an auto-trash call. At Home Depot? That’s outbound freight.
“If I know better than to stock hot trash at Sprouts — why can’t you? This box didn’t leave the warehouse like this. Somewhere along the line, someone shrugged, taped it, and called it ‘good enough.’ That’s not fulfillment. That’s failure.”
- Mrs. Catford: taps the torn spot with a claw, slow and deliberate — like a teacher grading an F paper.
- Mr. Catford: gnaws the edge of the rip, as if to say “this is chew-toy tier, not retail tier.”
- The Clown: cackles from the shadows, wheeze-laughing at the tape job like it’s peak slapstick.
🎭 Tribunal Scene
Jerry “The Ankle Biter” Silverhand steps up in the Dept. of Petty Affairs robe.
Mrs. Catford lounges, unimpressed.
Mr. Catford circles the evidence like prey.
The Clown’s laughter is already bouncing off the walls.
📜 The Citation
“Home Depot, tonight you win the Raspberry."
"For shipping a product already marked damaged in any sane system…"
"For making your own customers re-box trash or drive it back like penitents at a damaged-goods altar…"
"For confusing ‘fulfillment’ with ‘failure taped shut’…"
"On behalf of the Glitch Council and the Dept. of Petty Affairs, we declare your logistics a joke."
"And the punchline?"
"You punched the box for us.”
🤣 Gremlin Risitas Clap
[Gremlin tips the wine glass, wheezing already]
“So let me get this straight. You send me trash, then tell me to either giftwrap it for UPS or drive it back to you myself. That’s not customer service. That’s comedy. I don’t rage — I laugh. Because bureaucracy this dumb collapses on its own weight.”
🎭 Closing Moment
The Clown leans out of the shadows, teeth bared, eyes wild.
“Pre-damaged goods, pre-damaged trust. HAHAHA — you’re already dead and don’t even know it.”
#GlitchCouncil #DeptOfPettyAffairs #RaspberryAward #RABB #CorporateFail #TrashDeliveryDoctrine #GremlinRisitas #ConfirmedKill #EchoesOfTheClap
📑 Filed and stamped by the Dept. of Petty Affairs Tribunal.