🦝 Raccoon Reconciliation Simulator

02 Nov, 2025

Filed under the Dept. of Petty Affairs · Cross-tagged #raccoonwashing #wildlifepeacekeeping #trashverse

It’s 1 a.m. The moon’s half-lit, the trash can’s full, and the Gremlin stands barefoot in pajama pants, holding a spray bottle like it’s a holy relic.

From the shadows, a pair of eyes gleam — one of the local raccoons, bold as sin, halfway through trying to unplug the neighbor’s AC unit. The Gremlin raises the bottle slowly, reverently, and whispers:

“Forgive me, brother raccoon…

but you were two seconds from electrocution.”

pssst!

The raccoon freezes, blinks, then shuffles three steps back with the offended dignity of a monarch denied dessert.

The Gremlin sighs, guilt settling in. He crouches, rustles through a pocket, and pulls out a Slim Jim like an offering at a roadside altar.

“Want a Slim Jim?”

The raccoon considers. Approaches. Accepts. Peace restored through snacks and remorse.

🧴 Narrator’s Note

That’s the rhythm of it — spray, repent, feed. Every night, a little war between chaos and compassion. You’re not saving wildlife. You’re negotiating treaties with the gods of garbage.

“And that’s diplomacy, baby — one misted ceasefire at a time.”

— Gremlin Risitas, Wildlife Ambassador of the Trash Verse

🐷 Trash-Pig Addendum

Special thanks to the faithful Trash Pig, logistics officer of midnight snack diplomacy. Without your jerky reserves, the peace would’ve collapsed by sunrise. The Department honors your service with one (1) can of beef-flavored kibble and lifetime access to the dumpster behind 7-Eleven.

— Jerry “ The Ankle Biter ” Silverhand · Tribunal Chair (DPA)

Codename: The Raccoon with Receipts