The Will to Resist

Red Flags, or: Apparently I’ve Been This Way the Whole Time

A Brief Investigation Into Weird Women, Failed Wisdom Checks, and Why Nobody Gets a Character Editor

By Jerry “The Ankle-Biter” Silverhand

Three years.

That’s how long Red Flags has apparently been sitting there, quietly documenting something about me that I somehow never bothered to put into words.

Three entire years.

And after conducting a thorough investigation involving music, anime, video games, fictional women of questionable OSHA compliance, several failed Wisdom checks, and one raccoon who absolutely did not possess the proper credentials to participate, I have reached my conclusion:

Yep.

Still checks out.

I like weird women.

There.

Investigation complete.

Jerry, close the file.

No, not that file.

That’s the peppercorn budget.

Give me that.

Define “Weird”

I should probably clarify before somebody interprets this as:

LOCAL MAN ACTIVELY SEEKS WOMAN WHO WILL SET HIS HOUSE ON FIRE

No.

Not necessarily evil women.

Not necessarily unstable women.

Not necessarily women who will murder me in my sleep.

Although after reviewing certain fictional selections from my personal character roster, it appears my Paladin has occasionally failed his Perception check.

What I mean is:

weird.

Interesting.

Distinct.

Women with edges.

Women with personality.

Intense women.

Abrasive women.

Guarded women.

Ridiculous women.

Stubborn women.

Awkward women.

Chaotic women.

Women who walk into the metaphorical character-select screen and immediately cause you to point at the television and say:

“THAT ONE.”

Mita.

Monika.

Yuno Gasai.

Lucy and Nyuu.

Amy Rose.

Surge.

Cammy.

Kisara.

Harley Quinn.

Juri.

Azula.

Reze.

Najenda.

At some point my character-select screen stopped resembling a dating pool and started resembling the warning label on industrial machinery.

WARNING:

May contain blades.

May contain emotional damage.

May contain unresolved trauma.

May contain explosives.

May bite.

May become violently upset if exposed to protagonist stupidity.

Protective equipment recommended.

And apparently my Paladin looked at all of that and said:

“I can work with this.”

[WISDOM CHECK FAILED]

No, I Cannot Fix Her

There is a phrase that always appears around characters like these:

I can fix her.

I have never particularly liked that phrase.

Because my immediate question is:

Why the fuck did I pick her if my first objective is turning her into somebody else?

Imagine selecting Juri and immediately beginning a twelve-step program designed to make her behave like a suburban accountant named Susan.

Congratulations.

You have succeeded.

The weird woman is gone.

Susan would now like to discuss refinancing.

Excellent work, Paladin.

[CHA 100]

[INT: SITUATIONAL]

[WISDOM CHECK FAILED]

If the thing that attracted me to somebody was that she was strange, intense, loud, stubborn, eccentric, complicated, nerdy, abrasive, unconventional, or just built differently from everybody else standing around her...

Why would I immediately begin sanding those pieces away?

Eventually I would succeed in transforming somebody fascinating into somebody I don't recognize.

And then I'd probably sit there wondering:

“Where did the interesting person go?”

You deleted her, dumbass.

Check the patch notes.

THE ENORMOUS FUCKING ASTERISK

Jerry has entered the room carrying a clipboard.

That means it's time for the enormous fucking asterisk.

Accepting somebody for who they are does not mean accepting everything they do.

Those are completely different concepts.

You can love somebody and still have boundaries.

You can understand why somebody behaves a certain way and still say:

“No. You cannot do that to me.”

You can stand beside somebody without volunteering to become their punching bag.

Their wallet.

Their therapist.

Their hostage.

Their emotional chew toy.

Their emergency food supply.

Or the unwilling participant in whatever side quest they've decided to activate at 2:47 in the morning.

Acceptance is not surrender.

Understanding is not permission.

Love is not an all-access security badge.

Sometimes the boundary is simply:

I can't live with this.

And then?

Throw the deuces.

That isn't changing somebody.

That's recognizing that two people can be exactly who they are and still be completely fucking incompatible.

Nobody has to be the villain.

Nobody needs boss music.

Sometimes the character builds simply do not work together.

The Paladin wanted +10 Chaos Resistance.

The Sorceress arrived with Chaos Aura: Permanent.

This party composition has failed.

Return to camp.

Stop Trying to Install the Beige Furniture Patch

What bothers me is the other version.

“I love you, but could you stop dressing like that?”

“Could you stop liking that?”

“Could you stop talking about that?”

“Could you be quieter?”

“Could you be less nerdy?”

“Could you stop doing that weird little thing you enjoy?”

“Could you be more normal?”

“Could you please become the version of yourself that causes me the least inconvenience?”

At some point you have to ask:

Do you actually like the person standing in front of you?

Or are you dating the hypothetical patch notes?

VERSION 2.0

KNOWN ISSUE:

Subject is fucking miserable.

But hey.

At least they're normal now.

Then Hyadain Kicked Open the Door

Because apparently this philosophical investigation wasn't sufficiently complicated already.

Then Hyadain wandered in.

I remembered Riajū tte Konna Mon Dakke? — Is This What It's Supposed to Be Like to Have a Girlfriend?

The joke begins with somebody accomplishing the great anime-protagonist objective:

GIRLFRIEND ACQUIRED

Achievement unlocked.

Confetti.

Trumpets.

Somewhere a dating-sim narrator screams:

MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.

Surely everything is perfect now.

Except...

It isn't.

He's doing the boyfriend things.

He's dealing with dates.

Expectations.

Buying things.

Performing the little rituals that supposedly constitute successful romance.

Yet there is another person.

His male friend.

The person who was already there.

The person he'd rather spend his time with.

And eventually the joke stops being quite as much of a joke.

Maybe the thing he thought he was supposed to want isn't actually what his heart wants.

And suddenly my stupid investigation involving Red Flags, Hyadain, questionable fictional women, character sheets, and one increasingly concerned raccoon stumbled into something considerably larger.

WHO ACTUALLY PICKED YOUR CHARACTER?

Because my rule works both ways.

If I choose to stand beside somebody, my goal isn't to rebuild them into somebody else.

But that means I shouldn't expect somebody to rebuild themselves simply because the rest of the world thinks they should.

If somebody loves a man, they love a man.

If somebody loves a woman, they love a woman.

If somebody is weird, they're weird.

If they're loud, quiet, awkward, nerdy, eccentric, unconventional, excitable, reserved, or some glorious combination of seventeen poorly labeled character traits...

That's the person standing there.

Other people may have opinions.

Other people always have opinions.

Opinions are the one natural resource humanity has never managed to deplete.

But other people do not get a character editor.

And neither do I.

Nobody gets to drag another human being into Character Creation and start moving sliders.

PERSONALITY

← NORMAL ───────────── WEIRD →

“Can we move this left?”

No.

Put the mouse down.

Compatibility Is Not Morality

This does not mean every relationship works.

It doesn't mean every difference can be overcome.

It doesn't mean affection magically erases betrayal, abuse, bad behavior, incompatible goals, broken trust, or the need for boundaries.

Sometimes two perfectly decent people examine each other and discover:

Nope.

That's life.

That's not necessarily failure.

That's information.

There's an enormous difference between:

“I cannot live happily with this.”

and:

“You need to stop being this.”

One is a boundary.

The other is a renovation project.

And human beings should probably not be purchased from IKEA.

Jerry informs me that IKEA does not sell human beings.

Thank you, Jerry.

Your contribution has been documented.

If I'm Staying, I'm Standing Beside YOU

That's ultimately where I land.

If I'm staying, I'm standing beside you.

Not Version 2.0.

Not the hypothetical future edition.

Not the socially acceptable release.

Not the version where somebody went through your personality with a red pen.

Not the one with all the weird shit patched out.

You.

And if one day the real you and the real me simply cannot make it work?

Then I'd rather admit that.

I'd rather shake hands.

Throw the deuces.

Wish you well.

And walk away.

Because the alternative is spending years slowly grinding another person down until they fit into a hole that was never shaped for them.

That sounds exhausting.

For everybody.

Apparently Red Flags Knew This Three Years Ago

That's why Red Flags made me laugh when I came back to it.

Because buried underneath the cannibal-date comedy is basically:

If you're going to stay with the weird person, understand that you have elected to stay with the weird person.

You saw the warning label.

You selected the character.

You pressed CONFIRM.

Don't start complaining twenty minutes later because she came with the exact personality listed on the box.

Hyadain adds another question:

Are you sure you're choosing the person YOU actually want?

Not the person your family expects.

Not the person society says you should want.

Not the person who makes your character sheet look respectable.

Not the person who checks the approved boxes.

The person you actually want.

Because if you're going to build a life with somebody, perhaps the person living that life should have some input.

Wild concept.

Jerry has filed it under:

REVOLUTIONARY IDEAS THAT SHOULD NOT BE REVOLUTIONARY.

THE PALADIN CHARACTER SHEET

After three years of accumulated evidence, my character sheet remains largely unchanged:

STR: Good enough.

DEX: Don't ask.

CON: Working on it.

INT: Situational.

WIS: Frequently ignored.

CHA: Apparently dumped every available point into this motherfucker.

Special Ability: Talk to the Weird Woman.

Passive Effect: Questionable Life Choices.

Resistance: Attempts to Normalize.

Weakness: Interesting Women With Warning Labels.

Inventory:

One sword.

Three healing potions.

Seventeen unresolved side quests.

One raccoon.

Zero plans.

Somehow, against all available evidence, the Paladin remains convinced he's got this.

Jerry has reviewed the evidence.

Jerry disagrees.

Mr. Jerry's Unsolicited Advice

Don't date somebody because you think you'll eventually like the person they might become.

Meet the person who's actually standing there.

If you like them, like them.

If you cannot accept something important about them, be honest.

If they cross your boundaries, defend those boundaries.

If the relationship cannot work, leave.

Throw the deuces.

Nobody needs to spend ten years fighting the same boss encounter.

But if the only problem is that they're harmlessly weird and somebody else thinks they should be more normal?

Fuck normal.

Normal has excellent marketing.

That's about it.

The world is already overflowing with people being told to quiet down, straighten up, blend in, stop liking what they like, stop dressing how they dress, stop loving who they love, and generally make themselves easier for everybody else to digest.

Enough.

Let people have some fucking texture.

Life already has enough beige furniture.

— Jerry “The Ankle-Biter” Silverhand

Senior Vice President of Character Selection, Failed Wisdom Checks & Unrequested Relationship Audits

Jerry would like the record to reflect that he did not approve the Paladin's character build.

Jerry was not consulted.

Jerry is keeping the peppercorns.