The Will to Resist

🛐 Saturday Morning Scriptures - Part II: The Tomato War & Other Cult Crises

“When chaos wore the skin of cartoons—and somehow, we still found a message.”

There are shows we watched because they were good. And then there were shows we watched because they were on. But some… some shows broke our understanding of reality— And we watched anyway.

Welcome to the Cult Crises Collection: The holy trio of cartoons that should not have worked, and in many ways didn’t— But still baptized us in weirdness and called it television.

🍅 Attack of the Killer Tomatoes “The Apocalyptic Produce Gospel”

This was not a cartoon. It was a visual panic attack wearing tomato skins.

Tomatoes. That killed.

A war that already happened before the first episode aired.

Characters named "Tara Boumdeay" and "Zoltan."

A villain who looked like he got kicked out of Dr. Doofenshmirtz’s family.

And yet…

You learned something watching it.

Like:

“Never trust round vegetables with eyes.” “Screaming into chaos is still a strategy.” “Just because the war is over doesn’t mean the trauma stops.”

You didn’t just watch this show. You endured it. And that’s gospel.

🐠 Fish Police “The Noir Aquatic Scriptures”

Now imagine Who Framed Roger Rabbit, but underwater, underfunded, and overcaffeinated. It starred fish who smoked, flirted, and got shot at… for kids.

They had guns. In a kid’s cartoon.

Tim Curry voiced a character. That’s legally a rite of passage.

Everyone talked like they were one coffee spill from snapping.

And yet…

It dared to be complex. It dared to show kids that adults are weird too—and they also have bad days.

You didn’t come for morals. You came to learn how to be jaded with style.

🧤 Wish Kid (Starring Macaulay Culkin) “The Monkey’s Paw Doctrine for Saturday Mornings”

One wish. Once a week. Always goes wrong.

This was our entry-level lesson in:

“Be careful what you wish for.” “Magic has fine print.” “And just because you’re the main character doesn’t mean you’re safe from the script.”

The glove was magic. The lessons were painful. The animation?… mid.

But you watched.

Because part of you thought maybe your baseball glove had power too. And that kind of hope? That’s religion, baby.

Final Sermon:

These shows weren’t good. They were necessary. They taught you how to hold onto your sanity while losing your grip on it. They weren’t comforting. They were preparation.

Because real life? Sometimes it is a tomato that wants to eat you.

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