The Will to Resist

đŸ’„ Sunset Riders: The Game That Deserved a Remake (Until 2024 Showed Up in a Minivan)

There was a time I dreamed Sunset Riders would ride again.

Not some pixel-for-pixel museum piece. I wanted the Red Dead Rampage Edition—a full-blown, voice-acted, cel-shaded cowboy crackpipe of a remake, with Cormano wearing a Gucci poncho and every explosion synced to a country remix of “Cotton Eye Joe.”

And then 2024 walked in like Peter Griffin in cargo shorts, clutching a controller and a pumpkin spice latte, ready to tell us why Sunset Riders “just isn’t worth playing anymore.”

“It’s short.”

So’s a punch to the face. Doesn’t make it forgettable.

Arcade games weren’t designed to be epic sagas with father-son trauma and five endings. They were lean machines of chaos, meant to steal your quarters and your dignity in ten minutes or less.

“The gameplay is simple.”

Yes. That’s the point. You run. You slide. You shoot dynamite in midair and scream "YEEHAW" into your friend’s ear while dodging a guy named El Greco. That’s not a bug—it’s bliss.

“Infinite credits make it too easy.”

That’s like saying Grand Theft Auto is unrealistic because you turned on God Mode. You didn’t play the game—you walked past it with cheat codes and then blamed the ride for being too smooth.

[CUTAWAY GAG]

PETER GRIFFIN (arcade hat on): “This game’s so old, I had to feed it real money. I shoved in my debit card and now the cabinet’s in collections.”

LOIS: “Peter, you set the change machine on fire again.”

The reviewer gave it a “YMMV with a six.”

Oh wow. A six. You know what else gets a six? Vague stomach pain and background characters on Law & Order.

If they remade Sunset Riders now, we all know what we’d get:

$2.99 skin packs for cowboy boots

NFT horses with microtransaction saddlebags

“Chief Wigwam” replaced by a corporate-approved, diversity-committee-certified Air Spirit Drone

Final boss is an evil app that steals your Venmo password

And Cormano would be voiced by some TikTok star with a name like “Lil Beef.”

[SECOND CUTAWAY GAG]

STEWIE (dramatic): “Ah yes. Sunset Riders. The only game where you could slide under bullets, yell ‘YEEHAW,’ and still get shot in the face by a cowboy on a unicycle.”

BRIAN: “I think I saw that boss in Fortnite.”

STEWIE: “You probably paid $19.99 for him, too.”

Let’s be clear. Sunset Riders didn’t age poorly—you did.

This game wasn’t made for review scores or algorithm boosts. It was made for kids hopped up on Jolt Cola who just wanted to kill cartoon bad guys with extreme prejudice. You played for chaos, co-op, and a high score that meant nothing—but felt like everything.

💀 FINAL WORD

Sunset Riders still slaps. You just forgot how to have fun without ray tracing and trauma arcs.

So here’s the link. Go see how 2024 reviewed a classic like they were filling out a DMV form:

🔗 https://gameslushpile.com/2024/05/11/sunset-riders-switch-game-review/

Then come back and tell me this game ain't a masterpiece of yeehaw-fueled nonsense.

📛 Hashtags for the Reckoning: #SunsetRiders #ArcadeJustice #BuryMeWithMyMoney #ClownApproved #CormanoDeservedBetter #GamingWithoutApologies #YeehawOrDie #RemakeIfYouDare #SatireReloaded #GlitchDoctrine