The Eggbreaker Chronicle — Sprouts Edition (Simpsons Forecast)
(A Springfield-style satire, aired once, banned forever.)
[INT. SPROUTS — NIGHT SHIFT]
Camera pans through flickering fluorescent aisles. Muzak version of “Eye of the Tiger” hums in the background. Homer—wearing a green apron labeled “DILL WEED”—chews smugly on a protein bar while inspecting a clipboard he can’t read.
Homer-Dill Weed: “Y’know, Bart, if I have to check your aisle, I’ll have to fire you!”
Boris-Bart (without turning): “Then bring extra paper. My aisle’s a mirror.”
He slides a frozen pizza into place. The glass door reflects Homer’s warped face. It starts talking.
Mirror-Homer: “Look at your legs.”
Narrator (Kent Brockman): “Breaking news tonight — local night manager suffers sudden onset of self-inflicted humility cramps. Doctors call it a ‘classic case of foot-in-mouth origami.’”
[INT. MANAGER’S OFFICE]
Lisa, dressed as Store Manager JP, squints at the schedule screen glowing like divine judgment.
Lisa-JP: “Why does Bart have zero hours this week?”
Homer-Dill Weed (sweating): “Uh… character development?”
Lisa-JP: “No. Try again.”
She clicks one key. Lightning cracks. Bart’s hours instantly rise to 27.5. The store lights flicker like a judgment scene in Evangelion.
[EXT. ABOVE SPROUTS — GOD VIEW]
A colossal origami bird made of old schedules flaps above Springfield. Each wing bears faded phrases: “TEAM PLAYER,” “COACHABLE,” “CULTURE FIT.”
Narrator: “As the paper takes flight, the petty fold themselves neatly, dunked in irony, burned by their own performance reviews. Witnesses report it smelled faintly of guilt and microwave burritos.”
[INT. FROZEN AISLE — FINAL SCENE]
Boris-Bart works alone. The Gremlin Panda mascot on his hoodie grins while coworkers in the background try to unfold themselves from their own paper prisons.
Boris-Bart (quietly, to himself):
“Bend. Never break. Blink, breathe, win.”
Camera pans out — aisles pristine, chaos behind him like a snow globe of ego. The store hums with El Risitas’ laughter fading into a distorted Simpsons theme played on a busted kazoo.
[CUT TO: CHANNEL 6 NEWS DESK]
Kent Brockman (sign-off):
“And in tonight’s moral — never pick a fight with the man who stocks the ice cream."
"He’s already seen Hell freeze over.”
Roll credits.
- Created by The Glitch Council
- Produced by The Dept. of Petty Affairs Network
- In association with Origami Regret LLC
#gremlinrisitas #eggbreakerchronicle #sproutsedition #simpsonsforecast #bearblog