☕🎃 The Jolly Purple Giant’s Halloween Sermon (Late Edition)
Filed under: Seasonal Doctrine · Occultist Rants · Peace Beyond Fire Continuum
And so it begins — the grand annual “Occultist’s Rant About Halloween” special, brewed strong with irony, history, and just enough cinnamon to make the ghosts jealous. ☕💀
🎃 Halloween Ain’t Satanic — It’s Seasonal
First off, let’s clear the cauldron. Halloween didn’t crawl out of a devilish pit; it grew from Samhain — a Celtic festival marking the end of harvest and the start of winter. People lit bonfires to keep the dark away, wore masks to confuse spirits, and shared food because winter didn’t care about your diet plan.
Then came Christianity, and it did what it always does — rebranded the DLC. Samhain became All Hallows’ Eve, a prelude to All Saints’ Day. The dead were still honored, but the candles were blessed instead of bone-lit.
So no, Karen, your kid dressed as a skeleton isn’t summoning Satan. He just likes calcium.
🕯️ The Dead Don’t Need Fear — They Need Respect
Every culture worth remembering honors its dead. From Día de los Muertos to Obon, the idea isn’t summoning — it’s remembering. Halloween is the Western remix of that truth — one night when the living admit they’re temporary by wearing masks of what they fear most: decay, chaos, the unknown.
For one night, we stop pretending immortality is a subscription we can afford.
🕷️ The Devil Didn’t Do It
The “Halloween = Satan” panic came from the same crowd that thought rock music opened portals but couldn’t explain how outlets work. Real occultism? It’s not “summoning evil.” It’s naming it — the shadow in the mirror. The only thing truly demonic about Halloween is the candy-corn supply chain.
🧛 Why We Keep Coming Back to the Dark
Because darkness is honest. It doesn’t lie about what it is — it consumes, it ends, it equalizes. When you stare into the void on Halloween, you’re not flirting with evil — you’re checking your pulse against eternity.
Every skeleton you see is just a preview of what you already carry beneath your skin. Monsters were metaphors before they were costumes. And the mask? It’s not to hide — it’s to confess.
☕ Enter the Jolly Purple Giant
So when someone side-eyes my candles or clutches their pearls over a carved pumpkin, I take a slow sip of tea — pinky raised, grin unbothered — and tell them:
“I’m the jolly purple giant, dear. I stir storms when my tea gets cold.”
While they panic over imaginary devils, I’m honoring the real ones: time, entropy, and memory — all of which deserve their toast.
So raise your cup. To the ghosts, the weirdos, the misunderstood. To every soul who faced the dark and laughed anyway.
Happy Halloween. Stay spooky. Stay aware. And if anyone calls you satanic for carving a pumpkin — tell them the jolly purple giant sent you. ☕😌
Reference: 🎥* Metroidvania Guru — “Toziuha Night: Order of the Alchemists – Metroidvania Review + Tier List” 📺* @MetroidvaniaGuru