THE LAWFUL NEUTRAL PALADIN AND THE GREAT EGO SNORT OF 2026
Jerry's Marginalia — By Jerry “The Ankle-Biter” Silverhand
An investigative report into the first documented case of a grown-ass Paladin snorting his own self-importance.
A HERO. A LEGEND. AN ABSOLUTE FUCKING IDIOT.
Ladies and gentlemen, distinguished readers, and whatever the fuck Gerald the Cactus identifies as this week:
Today, we gather to discuss a tragedy.
Not a natural disaster.
Not an economic collapse.
Not another corporate executive explaining why employees should be grateful for the opportunity to afford half a sandwich.
No.
Something considerably more disturbing.
A LAWFUL NEUTRAL PALADIN HAS DISCOVERED PREMIUM-GRADE EGO.
And apparently, the motherfucker has decided that ordinary arrogance is no longer sufficient.
He must now consume it recreationally.
Through his nose.
Like some medieval Tony Montana who failed Wisdom class but graduated summa cum laude from the University of Smelling His Own Bullshit.
CHAPTER ONE: THE BAGGIE OF DESTINY
It began innocently enough.
Our beloved Paladin, a noble warrior of questionable judgment, stood before his companions and delivered an inspirational speech about restraint.
"I have sharpened my blade so finely," he declared, "that I need not draw it to demonstrate its power."
Beautiful.
Poetic.
Deep.
The kind of philosophical wisdom you'd expect from an ancient warrior who had spent decades meditating beneath a waterfall.
Unfortunately, the Paladin had spent approximately zero decades meditating beneath a waterfall.
Instead, he reached into his inventory.
YOU HAVE LOOTED: FRESH EGO — PREMIUM GRADE A+
Not ordinary ego.
Not discount ego.
Not that generic store-brand ego sold beside the expired mayonnaise at Dollar General.
Oh, no.
This was the good shit.
FRESH. FRESH! PREMIUM GRADE A+ EGO.
Hand-selected.
Artisan-crafted.
Ethically harvested from the swollen self-importance of corporate executives, motivational influencers, and people who describe themselves as "thought leaders" without immediately bursting into flames from embarrassment.
Our Paladin examined the bag.
He smiled.
He unsheathed his legendary sword.
And proceeded to chop his own ego into tiny, suspiciously organized lines.
Jerry the Raccoon watched in horror.
"Sir?"
No response.
"Your Paladinship?"
Nothing.
"Sir, I believe that's supposed to be equipped in your personality slot, not administered through your fucking nostrils."
Too late.
The Paladin leaned forward.
And then...
SSSSSSSSNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!
Silence.
A bird fell out of a nearby tree.
Three goblins resigned.
Somewhere in Freeport, a guard whispered, "What the fuck?"
The Paladin slowly raised his head.
Wiped his nose.
And uttered the words that would forever stain the history books:
"Hmm. Good shit. Yes, indeed. That's some good shit."
CHAPTER TWO: CHARACTER SHEET OF A MAN WHO HAS LOST THE PLOT
EVERQUEST — CHARACTER STATUS
Name: The Lawful Neutral Paladin
Class: Paladin
Secondary Occupation: Professional Ego Enthusiast
Alignment: Lawful Neutral, pending investigation
ACTIVE BUFF: PREMIUM EGO INTOXICATION VIII
- Strength: +500
- Stamina: +200
- Charisma: +9,999
- Wisdom: −8,000
- Intelligence: Currently negotiating with a potato
- Humility: FILE NOT FOUND
- Self-Awareness: 404 ERROR
- Sarcasm: OVERFLOW
- Aggro Radius: Entire fucking continent
NEW PASSIVE ABILITY UNLOCKED:
Unsolicited Superiority
The Paladin automatically delivers a seventeen-minute lecture whenever someone expresses an opinion within a fifty-foot radius.
NEW DISCIPLINE UNLOCKED:
Divine Self-Importance
Instantly convinces the caster that every decision they've ever made was correct, including the time they attempted to negotiate with a hostile skeleton.
WARNING:
This ability does not actually improve decision-making.
It merely makes the Paladin considerably more confident while being catastrophically fucking wrong.
CHAPTER THREE: JERRY ATTEMPTS AN INTERVENTION
"Sir, we need to talk."
The Paladin stood atop a nearby rock, arms folded, cape blowing majestically in absolutely no wind whatsoever.
"Speak, woodland creature."
"You're becoming insufferable."
"I have always been magnificent."
"Sir, yesterday you challenged your reflection to a duel."
"A worthy opponent."
"YOU LOST."
"A controversial ruling."
"YOU WERE THE FUCKING REFEREE!"
The Paladin contemplated this.
Then reached for another bag.
FRESH. FRESH! PREMIUM GRADE A+ EGO.
Jerry screamed.
"NO! NOT THE EXECUTIVE RESERVE!"
The Paladin grinned.
"Observe, raccoon, as I achieve enlightenment."
"THAT'S NOT ENLIGHTENMENT! THAT'S A MID-LIFE CRISIS WITH INVENTORY MANAGEMENT!"
The Paladin leaned down.
Jerry covered his ears.
Gerald the Cactus covered his needles.
The local Cleric began preparing a resurrection spell just in case the man's ego somehow achieved critical mass.
SSSSSSSSSSSSSSNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!
The ground trembled.
The sky darkened.
A celestial announcement echoed across Norrath:
SERVER-WIDE MESSAGE:
The Lawful Neutral Paladin has exceeded the maximum permitted concentration of self-importance.
Please contact a Game Master.
Estimated wait time: 47 years.
CHAPTER FOUR: THE PALADIN DISCOVERS LINKEDIN
Within minutes, the effects became catastrophic.
The Paladin opened his mouth.
And began speaking exclusively in corporate motivational language.
"Success is not merely an achievement. It is a mindset."
Jerry froze.
"Oh, fuck."
"Every challenge is an opportunity."
"OH, FUCK NO."
"Sometimes you must become the leader you wish to see."
"HE'S TURNING INTO A LINKEDIN INFLUENCER! SOMEBODY GET THE FUCKING EXORCIST!"
But it was too late.
The Paladin had already published his first motivational post.
TODAY I LEARNED SOMETHING POWERFUL ABOUT LEADERSHIP.
I woke up at 4 AM.
I sharpened my sword.
I snorted seventeen lines of premium ego.
Then I realized something profound.
The greatest investment you can make is in yourself.
Agree?
Repost if you believe in leadership.
#HustleCulture #PaladinMindset #Blessed #Entrepreneur #EgoOptimization
Jerry vomited into a helmet.
Gerald the Cactus requested immediate relocation.
A Berserker read the post and voluntarily reduced his Intelligence stat to zero.
An Enchanter attempted to cast Clarity.
SPELL FAILED.
Target is already too fucking clear about his own greatness.
CHAPTER FIVE: THE INTERVENTION COMMITTEE
An emergency meeting was convened.
Present:
Jerry the Raccoon, Chief Dumpster Officer.
Gerald the Cactus, Unwilling Witness.
An Enchanter, desperately attempting crowd control.
A Berserker, who had brought an axe because nobody explained what an intervention was.
And the Paladin himself.
Wearing sunglasses indoors.
At midnight.
"Sir," Jerry began, "we're concerned about your ego consumption."
The Paladin nodded thoughtfully.
"I appreciate your concern, lesser beings."
"SEE?! THAT! THAT RIGHT THERE!"
"I merely recognize my superior qualities."
"YOU TRIED TO CHARGE THE SUN RENT FOR SHINING ON YOUR ARMOR!"
"A reasonable licensing arrangement."
"YOU DEMANDED ROYALTIES FROM YOUR OWN SHADOW!"
"Intellectual property."
"YOU SENT YOUR REFLECTION A CEASE-AND-DESIST LETTER!"
"Identity theft."
The Berserker raised his axe.
"CAN I HIT HIM NOW?"
"No," said Jerry.
"WHY?"
"Because his head is so fucking inflated that if you puncture it, we'll lose half the atmosphere."
CHAPTER SIX: A MOMENT OF UNEXPECTED SELF-AWARENESS
Eventually, the Paladin sat down.
He examined the remaining bag of Premium Grade A+ Ego.
He looked at Jerry.
He looked at Gerald.
He looked at the Berserker, who was now eating the intervention paperwork.
And he laughed.
Not a polite chuckle.
Not a dignified warrior's laugh.
A full, ridiculous, wheezing, snorting laugh.
Because he knew.
HE FUCKING KNEW.
The entire spectacle was absurd.
The mighty warrior.
The philosophical speeches.
The legendary blade.
The dramatic cape.
The enormous ego.
The recreational self-importance.
All of it.
A magnificent, self-aware circus of bullshit.
And that, dear readers, is the crucial distinction.
The Paladin wasn't actually demanding worship.
He was making fun of the very idea that anyone should take their own greatness so seriously.
He had transformed arrogance into performance art.
And Jerry, despite himself, had to admit something.
The bastard was funny.
Absolutely fucking ridiculous.
But funny.
FINAL CHAPTER: THE PALADIN'S OATH OF PREMIUM EGO
And so, the Lawful Neutral Paladin rose to his feet.
He raised his sword toward the heavens.
And proclaimed:
"I SHALL REMAIN CONSISTENT IN MY BOUNDARIES!"
The heavens rumbled.
"EXTRAVAGANT IN MY MOCKERY!"
Thunder crashed.
"AND ECONOMICAL IN MY EXPENDITURES!"
Jerry wiped away a tear.
"Beautiful, sir."
The Paladin nodded.
"Thank you, raccoon."
A moment passed.
Then the Paladin reached into his inventory.
Jerry narrowed his eyes.
"Sir."
The Paladin smiled.
"Just one more."
"NO."
"Fresh."
"NO!"
"FRESH!"
"PUT THE FUCKING BAG DOWN!"
"PREMIUM."
"YOUR PALADINSHIP, I SWEAR TO—"
"GRADE AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA PLUS!"
SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!
CRITICAL HIT!
YOU HAVE GAINED A LEVEL!
YOU HAVE LOST ALL REMAINING DIGNITY!
Jerry quietly packs his belongings.
"I'm going back to the dumpster. At least the garbage knows it's garbage."
PUBLIC HEALTH ADVISORY FROM JERRY'S MARGINALIA
Premium Grade A+ Ego is a fictional substance.
Side effects may include:
- Uncontrollable self-congratulation
- Excessive cape maintenance
- Referring to oneself in the third person
- Believing every conversation is a TED Talk
- Spontaneous LinkedIn activity
- Challenging mirrors to honorable combat
- Developing an irrational fear of humility
WARNING: No actual substances are required to achieve this level of stupidity. A sufficiently inflated personality will do the job naturally.
FINAL RATING: 15/10. A++.
The Paladin has been banned from the Alchemy Guild.
The Enchanter has requested hazard pay.
The Berserker has eaten the complaint form.
Gerald the Cactus has entered witness protection.
Jerry has stolen the remaining ego and sold it to a corporate leadership seminar.
AS PER MY PREVIOUS EMAIL:
YOUR EGO IS NOT A CONTROLLED SUBSTANCE.
STOP ACTING LIKE IT'S THE GOOD SHIT.
— Jerry “The Ankle-Biter” Silverhand
P.S. The Paladin has just ordered another bag.
P.P.S. It's labeled FRESH. FRESH! PREMIUM GRADE A+ EGO — FAMILY SIZE.
P.P.P.S. We're all completely fucked.