The Nelson Protocol
Filed in the Book of Boris — Dept. of Petty Affairs
They think they’re clever.
They think one “HA-ha!” makes them untouchable, like they’re above the moment because they got their cheap little chuckle in.
The Nelsons. You know the type. They don’t build, they don’t risk, they don’t bleed.
They just mock from the curb.
Parasites of laughter, leeching off other people’s struggle.
But here’s the problem with parasites: the second you tell them to piss off, they squeal.
Phase I: The Laugh
They strike first with their signature.
“HA-ha!” Like Nelson from The Simpsons.
My response?
“Good. I’m glad you got that out your system. Now piss off.”
Simple. Surgical. End of scene—if they were smart.
Phase II: The Guilt Trip
But Nelsons don’t stop there. They pivot.
They play hurt. They try to paint you as the villain.
“Wow, that’s harsh.”
“Why so rude?”
“You didn’t have to say it like that…”
Oh, but I did. And here’s how the counters fall:
“That’s harsh.” → “Yeah I know it’s harsh, that’s why people like you deserve the pain you hear.”
“Why so rude?” → “Because to me your ha-ha is about as irrelevant as you are.”
“You didn’t have to say it like that.” → “Oh poor me, oh my. I’m glad I said it like that — because it could’ve been worse.”
The Nelson crumbles under these. Because for the first time, the mirror is turned. And they don’t like what they see.
Phase III: Why They Exist
Nelsons don’t laugh because they’re strong.
They laugh because they’re weak.
Because tearing down someone else feels safer than admitting they have nothing to offer.
The joke isn’t on you. It’s on them.
Every “HA-ha!” is a confession.
A flare that screams: “I am irrelevant.”
The Final Verdict
So what’s the Nelson Protocol?
You don’t just shrug it off. You don’t just ignore it. You slice it down to size. Humiliation as scalpel, indifference as disinfectant.
And when they’re squirming under their own reflection? That’s when you smile. Because Nelsons don’t survive exposure.
They rot in the silence that follows.
🦝 Filed by Jerry “The Ankle Biter” Silverhand — Dept. of Petty Affairs.
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