THE PALADIN HAS MAX CHA AND QUESTIONABLE WIS
Or: Jerry Finally Identifies the Problem
By Jerry “The Ankle-Biter” Silverhand
I have recently acquired my character sheet.
This was a mistake.
Not because the statistics are particularly bad.
Most of them are respectable.
Some are under maintenance.
One is apparently being held together with duct tape and institutional trauma.
But then we reached:
CHA.
And suddenly everything made sense.
THE CHARACTER SHEET
STR: Good enough.
I can move things.
I can open jars.
If something requires considerably more strength than that, we have entered forklift territory and should seek appropriate equipment.
DEX: Don't ask.
There was an incident.
Nobody died.
Moving on.
CON: Working on it.
Patch notes pending.
INT: Situational.
Occasionally brilliant.
Occasionally defeated by an object with three buttons.
WIS:
...
Jerry?
Why is Jerry staring at the floor?
Jerry?
WIS: Questionable.
Ah.
There it is.
And finally:
CHA: MAX
Oh.
Oh no.
THE PALADIN PROBLEM
Apparently I am a Paladin.
Not one of those magnificent holy warriors who enters a dungeon glowing with divine purpose.
No.
I am the Paladin who walks into the tavern, notices the most suspicious woman in the building, and thinks:
She seems interesting.
Jerry immediately looks up from his food.
“No.”
What?
“No.”
I haven't even done anything.
“You're going to.”
That's incredibly judgmental.
“You have Max CHA and Questionable WIS. I know exactly how this encounter works.”
The woman has glowing red eyes.
A sword.
Three wanted posters.
An unexplained bloodstain.
And a necklace made from what appears to be human teeth.
I approach.
Jerry grabs my pant leg.
“PALADIN.”
Relax.
I'm just going to talk to her.
“PALADIN.”
What's the worst that could happen?
Jerry closes his eyes.
Because Jerry already knows.
[CHARISMA CHECK]
I approach.
She looks at me.
I say something stupid.
She laughs.
[CHA CHECK: 20]
Success.
Of course.
Conversation begins.
She's weird.
Excellent.
She's funny.
Even better.
She's clearly carrying approximately seventeen side quests.
Outstanding.
Jerry is now repeatedly striking himself in the forehead with his clipboard.
I don't understand why.
Everything is going wonderfully.
Then the universe quietly rolls another die.
It lands.
Jerry looks.
I look.
[WIS CHECK: 3]
Jerry sighs.
“Here we fucking go.”
THIS EXPLAINS A LOT
Apparently Max CHA does not mean:
Makes Good Decisions.
This was disappointing to learn.
Max CHA means I can occasionally talk my way into situations that somebody with higher Wisdom would have identified from approximately sixty feet away as:
A SITUATION.
Wisdom would say:
“That treasure chest has teeth.”
Charisma says:
“Maybe it wants to talk.”
Wisdom:
“That woman is holding a knife.”
Charisma:
“Cool knife.”
Wisdom:
“This entire building is on fire.”
Charisma:
“I bet there's an interesting story behind that.”
Jerry:
“GET IN THE FUCKING CAR.”
ENTER THE MIMIC
This becomes particularly dangerous inside dungeons.
Because eventually the Paladin encounters a treasure chest.
Beautiful chest.
Ornate.
Interesting.
Sitting mysteriously in the middle of an otherwise empty room.
Jerry stops.
“Mimic.”
How do you know?
“Because it's a fucking treasure chest sitting alone in a dungeon.”
Maybe somebody left it.
“It has saliva.”
Condensation.
“It has teeth.”
Decorative hinges.
“It just growled.”
Could be settling.
Jerry slowly turns toward the camera.
This is apparently why Jerry drinks.
Except Jerry doesn't drink.
So Jerry eats peppercorns aggressively.
THE PALADIN APPROACHES
I walk toward the chest.
Jerry follows.
Not because Jerry approves.
Jerry has simply accepted that somebody needs to recover my belongings after the encounter.
The chest moves.
Interesting.
Jerry points.
“Mimic.”
I wave.
“Hello.”
The Mimic pauses.
Apparently nobody has ever tried this before.
[CHA CHECK: NAT 20]
The Mimic stops attacking.
Jerry's mouth falls open.
The Mimic and I begin talking.
Twenty minutes later, we're discussing anime.
Jerry is forced to reconsider several assumptions about dungeon ecology.
Then the Mimic produces another treasure chest.
“Would you like to open this?”
Jerry's eyes widen.
I reach toward it.
[WIS CHECK...]
Jerry tackles me.
JERRY'S ACTUAL JOB
And that's when I finally understood Jerry.
Jerry isn't merely a raccoon.
Jerry isn't merely Senior Vice President of Peppercorn Acquisition.
Jerry isn't merely the creature responsible for making hostile margin notes in my financial decisions.
Jerry is the party's:
WISDOM COMPENSATION DEVICE.
My Paladin possesses Max CHA.
Therefore the universe spawned a sarcastic raccoon whose entire purpose is occasionally saying:
“NO, DUMBASS.”
I provide diplomacy.
Jerry provides threat assessment.
I initiate conversations.
Jerry watches the exits.
I meet interesting people.
Jerry checks whether they're holding a knife.
I see treasure.
Jerry checks for teeth.
I say:
“What's the worst that could happen?”
Jerry begins preparing documentation.
It's a remarkably effective partnership.
IMPORTANT DISTINCTION
Questionable Wisdom does not mean possessing no Wisdom.
Occasionally I learn.
Sometimes even quickly.
Sometimes the suspicious treasure chest only gets one dollar.
Sometimes the weird situation gets one chance.
Sometimes the Paladin notices the pattern before Jerry has to bite anybody.
Growth.
Character development.
Season Three material.
Because eventually even Questionable WIS can produce:
Pattern Recognition +10.
And when that happens?
The Paladin walks into the dungeon.
Sees the chest.
Notices the teeth.
Jerry looks at Paladin.
Paladin looks at Jerry.
Mimic opens its mouth.
Paladin slowly raises two fingers.
Deuces.
Turns around.
Walks away.
Jerry stands completely motionless.
A single tear rolls down his furry cheek.
“My boy.”
MR. JERRY'S UNSOLICITED ADVICE
Charisma can open doors.
Wisdom determines whether you should have opened the fucking door.
These are different skills.
Being capable of talking to somebody does not mean you need to.
Being capable of entering a situation does not mean you should remain there.
And successfully passing the first check does not guarantee you're prepared for whatever the Dungeon Master rolls next.
Use your strengths.
Know your weaknesses.
And if you dumped every available character point into Charisma?
Acquire a raccoon.
Preferably one with a clipboard.
— Jerry “The Ankle-Biter” Silverhand
Senior Vice President of Wisdom Compensation, Mimic Detection & Preventing the Paladin From Touching Obviously Cursed Objects
PALADIN: “She's interesting.”
JERRY: “She has a sword.”
PALADIN: “Cool sword.”
JERRY: “Every. Fucking. Time.”