🏆 The Raspberry Award for Excellence in Needless Bureaucracy
Presented to: Walmart Corporate Systems
Category: Hunger Delay Tactics
Date of Dishonor: Ongoing, 2025
Citation (Read Out Loud by Jerry “The Ankle Biter” Silverhand)
Jerry steps up to the podium in the Dept. of Petty Affairs robe. Mr. Catford lounges nearby with a knowing smirk, Mrs. Catford sharpens a claw on the mic stand, and The Clown’s laughter is already echoing from the back of the room.
“Ladies, gentlemen… and corporate clowns who still think a 30-day EBT lockout is a power move — tonight, we honor peak pettiness.
For your gold-medal dedication to tripping the hungry at the starting line while rolling out a red carpet for debt…
For your uncanny talent for turning a two-click task into a full-blown corporate obstacle course that even your own IT department couldn’t navigate…
May your pettiness circulate through your corporate veins until even your stock ticker gets tired of you…
And may you hemorrhage customers faster than you can invent new ways to waste their time.
On behalf of the Glitch Council, the Dept. of Petty Affairs, and our ever-grinning morale officer — The Clown — we present Walmart Corporate Systems with the Raspberry Award for Excellence in Needless Bureaucracy.
Wear it proudly. It’s the only thing you’ve processed faster than a credit card this year.”
🎭 Closing Moment
The Clown leans forward from the shadows, eyes wide, grin sharp.
“Thirty days… HAHAHA — you’re already dead and don’t even know it.”
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