The Will to Resist

The Toxic Positivity Department™: Please Bend Into a Full Fucking O.

Or: How Losing Your Job Apparently Qualifies as a Spiritual Development Seminar.

By Jerry “The Ankle-Biter” Silverhand

A Jerry’s Marginalia — by Department of Petty Affairs

There's something I've always wanted to see.

People bending themselves into circles.

Not bending over backward.

Not doing yoga.

Not touching their toes.

A FULL FUCKING O.

A complete human doughnut.

Head meets ass. Spine files for unemployment. Orthopedic surgeons begin screaming in languages they haven't invented yet.

Why?

Because if people are going to twist themselves into ridiculous shapes to justify life's bullshit, they might as well commit to the fucking performance.

Welcome to the Toxic Positivity Department™, a wholly owned subsidiary of the Human Bullshit Manufacturing Plant™.

Where every disaster is a blessing, every setback is a lesson, and every unemployed bastard is apparently one inspirational quote away from financial stability.

Congratulations! You've Been Selected for Character Development.

Imagine this.

You have a job.

You have plans.

You want your own apartment. You want to replace your aging computer. You want to buy a few games, work on your hobbies, and enjoy the occasional luxury without calculating whether it'll interfere with your fucking phone bill.

Nothing extravagant.

Just a little stability.

Then life walks into the room wearing a motivational T-shirt.

"Well, look at you! You lost your job!"

Yes, thank you, Life. I noticed.

"And now your Act Broke Doctrine is being tested!"

Oh, wonderful.

"Maybe this will teach you to be more humble!"

MORE HUMBLE?!

MOTHERFUCKER, I'M ALREADY BUDGETING EIGHT DOLLARS FOR A SUBSCRIPTION WHILE TRYING TO KEEP MY PHONE ACTIVE.

HOW MUCH MORE HUMBLE DO YOU WANT ME?

SHOULD I START APOLOGIZING TO THE ELECTRICITY?

SHOULD I THANK THE BANK FOR ALLOWING ME TO LOOK AT MY OWN MONEY?

SHOULD I WRITE A LOVE LETTER TO MY UNPAID BILLS?

And Life, grinning like a motivational speaker who has never missed a paycheck, replies:

"Maybe you'll learn to appreciate me!"

APPRECIATE WHAT, YOU SMUG BASTARD?

THE UNEMPLOYMENT?

THE REJECTIONS?

THE FOUR MONTHS OF ABSOLUTE BULLSHIT?

Or perhaps the wonderful opportunity to develop my personality while my bank account undergoes a controlled demolition?

July, August, September, October: The Four Horsemen of Fuck This.

July was bullshit.

August was bullshit with additional paperwork.

September was bullshit with a termination notice.

October was bullshit with a complimentary job application portal.

Four months.

Four fucking months.

And somehow, somewhere, somebody will look at that sequence and say:

"Everything happens for a reason."

Yes.

Sometimes the reason is that somebody made a terrible decision.

Sometimes the reason is that a workplace handled something badly.

Sometimes the reason is that life doesn't give a flying fuck about your five-year plan.

Not every disaster is a hidden blessing.

Not every setback contains a magical lesson.

And not every unemployed person needs to be told that the universe is preparing them for something greater.

SOMETIMES I JUST WANT MY FUCKING PAYCHECK.

The Human Pretzel Initiative™

The Toxic Positivity Department has developed a groundbreaking new exercise.

Whenever somebody experiences genuine hardship, an employee must immediately bend into the shape of an O while explaining why the hardship is actually wonderful.

Observe.

"My employer fired me."

Employee bends backward.

"That's an opportunity!"

"My savings are disappearing."

Employee bends farther.

"That's teaching you financial discipline!"

"I can't afford the games I wanted."

Employee's forehead approaches their own ass.

"That's helping you appreciate the little things!"

"I might struggle to pay my phone bill."

POP.

Congratulations.

The employee has achieved the Full O.

A perfect circle of absolute fucking nonsense.

The Department of Petty Affairs awards them a certificate.

DIPLOMA IN ADVANCED SPINAL BULLSHIT.

Unfortunately, the certificate cannot be exchanged for groceries, rent, or bus fare.

But it does feature an inspirational sunrise.

So that's nice.

My Act Broke Doctrine Wasn't Supposed to Be a Lifestyle.

Here's something people misunderstand.

I didn't invent the Act Broke Doctrine because I wanted to spend the rest of my life refusing myself every little pleasure.

I wanted to save money.

Build something.

Get my own place.

Replace Grandpa PC.

Keep Germlin Subs moving.

Maybe buy a few games without turning the checkout screen into a financial emergency.

ACT BROKE WAS SUPPOSED TO HELP ME BUILD A BETTER LIFE.

It wasn't supposed to become an involuntary survival challenge.

And yet here I am, looking at things I want and deciding that the money has to go somewhere else.

Not because I've suddenly become enlightened.

Not because I've achieved some magnificent state of spiritual restraint.

BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE A FUCKING PAYCHECK.

There's a difference.

A very important difference.

Gerald the Cactus Has Entered the Wellness Department.

At this point, management summons Gerald the Cactus.

Supreme Botanical Auditor.

Director of Prickly Consequences.

Unlicensed Motivational Speaker.

Gerald approaches the Paladin.

"Have you tried looking on the bright side?"

The Paladin stares.

Gerald continues.

"Perhaps unemployment is simply the universe telling you to bloom where you're planted."

Silence.

"Maybe you should practice gratitude."

More silence.

"Have you considered journaling?"

The Paladin slowly points toward the Human Bullshit Manufacturing Plant™.

"GERALD, I HAVE AN ENTIRE FUCKING BLOG."

Gerald consults his clipboard.

"Ah. So you've already completed the journaling module."

The Paladin considers throwing Gerald through the nearest window.

Unfortunately, Gerald is a cactus.

And the window is expensive.

And the Paladin is unemployed.

FUCKING ECONOMICS.

Stop Trying to Make Suffering Inspirational.

Look.

There's nothing wrong with encouragement.

There's nothing wrong with hope.

There's nothing wrong with telling somebody that their present circumstances don't have to define their future.

But there's a difference between supporting somebody and trying to turn their pain into a motivational poster.

Sometimes people don't want a lesson.

They don't want a speech.

They don't want to hear that the universe has a plan.

They want somebody to acknowledge that what happened was shitty.

Without adding a fucking but.

Without insisting they smile.

Without explaining how they should feel.

And without suggesting that losing their livelihood was secretly the best thing that ever happened to them.

I CAN LEARN FROM AN EXPERIENCE WITHOUT BEING GRATEFUL THAT IT HAPPENED.

Imagine that.

Personal growth without mandatory worship of the disaster.

Final Inspection: The Paladin Refuses to Become a Pretzel.

The Lawfully Neutral Paladin stands outside the factory.

Four months behind him.

November ahead.

No miraculous revelation.

No heavenly choir.

No inspirational montage featuring a man running up stairs while his bank account magically refills itself.

Just a tired bastard trying to find work, protect his remaining money, and hold onto the things that make life worth enjoying.

And somewhere behind him, the Toxic Positivity Department announces:

"Remember! Every challenge is a gift!"

The Paladin turns around.

Looks directly at the building.

And replies:

"THEN WHERE'S THE FUCKING GIFT RECEIPT?"

Silence.

Gerald the Cactus falls off his desk.

Brenda from Accounting files a complaint.

The Human Pretzel Initiative™ is temporarily suspended pending an orthopedic investigation.

And Jerry?

Jerry closes the inspection report.

FINAL DPA FINDINGS:

And the final recommendation?

STOP TELLING PEOPLE TO APPRECIATE THE FIRE WHILE THEY'RE STILL TRYING TO GET OUT OF THE FUCKING BUILDING.

Department of Petty Affairs — Toxic Positivity Inspection & Human Pretzel Division

"We don't manufacture silver linings. We inspect the assholes trying to sell them."